


Sincerely Me

by UnluckyCharms



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Major Trigger Warning: Suicide, Public Humiliation, heavy focus on mental illness, one-sided Gakukai, should probably note this takes place in a high school setting, trigger warning: bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22796995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnluckyCharms/pseuds/UnluckyCharms
Summary: This little one-shot started off influenced by A Letter to X by Seiza.  The story really stuck with me and I started writing.  I kinda put it on hold for a few months (As I do with my 50 other drafts collecting dust), but decided recently to start working on it again.  That said, I do apologize if it doesn't flow the best or the plot is kinda over the top and unbelievable.  I was getting drunken inspiration when finishing this haha.
Relationships: Kaito/Kamui Gakupo
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	Sincerely Me

**Author's Note:**

> Happy (late) birthday, Kaito :)
> 
> Did ya notice the DEH reference? Haha, I listened to that soundtrack a lot when writing this.
> 
> I tried a different approach in this one shot, and I'm not overly confident in it. I'm usually very heavy in my dialogue so I set the challenge to try something without relying on it. It's not my strongest work, but I wanted to get something out to celebrate Kaito's birthday! I mean, I still missed it, but I was close.
> 
> Anyways, I apologize for any errors in my writing. I did some editing, but it was kind of hard for me to read through some scenes, so it's entirely possible I didn't work something out well enough.
> 
> With all that said, enjoy!

A letter wrapped in blue, a face stained red, and a heart crumbling to dust.

Why Kaito still thought this was a good idea was anyone’s guess. This letter wasn’t actually supposed to see the light of day, it was just an exercise his therapist recommended he try. Write letters to those who’ve hurt you the most, jot down every last detail that comes to mind no matter how painful it was to recall, and burn it in a physical representation of letting go of the resentment he was holding. And Kaito did. He wrote letters to his father, mother, past friends, acquaintances, teachers, anyone he could think of, and burned them one by one, letting the flames of the candle beside him lick the papers and turn them to ash. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to burn this one. If it had ever crossed his mind that he may end up sharing one of these letters for others to see, the person it was directed at no less, he would have surely held back on how honestly he spoke his mind. All of this had to be said at some point, however. He couldn’t just ignore the crushing feeling in his chest any longer. It was just a matter of being brave enough to give it to them. But Kaito was a coward. It wasn’t a masculine thing to admit, but he could. He’d come to terms with the fact that he was still just a scared, sniveling child at the end of the day. The smallest of disturbances would trigger his fight or flight senses, and every last time he’d decided to run. Running wasn’t something a brave, fearless person would do, only cowards decide on the easy way out. It was just who he was, nothing he would ever do could change that. He had to get rid of that letter, though. Holding onto it any longer was only doing harm, and if he couldn’t burn it, then he was going to have to work up the courage to give it to them.

Today just wasn’t the day.

He’d tried various times throughout the school day to deliver the letter hidden away in his book bag, but the moment his fingers grazed the cool paper, his body immediately tensed up, and he quickly backed out. There was no way he could actually go through with this. Kaito was crazy for even thinking such things. Then he’d catch a glimpse of him, the boy his letter was directed at, Gakupo, and instantly want to try to deliver the letter once more. At its heart, the letter he was trying to deliver was a love confession. Ever since he’d first met Gakupo by complete chance, he’d fallen head over heels for him. With just a single glance his way, Kaito’s heart would pound out of his chest and butterflies would flutter around in his stomach. Unfortunately there wasn’t a chance his feelings were reciprocated. Gakupo already had a girlfriend. For the longest time, Kaito had told himself that that was fine, and that he could be content just being his friend. As of late, however, something had changed. As much as Kaito tried to reach out, hang out, or even chat with him, Gakupo had begun pushing him away, and Kaito didn’t know what to do. He had no clue what had suddenly shifted, but he’d noticed Gakupo had been avoiding him. Had he figured out his feelings for him somehow? Had he started being picked on for hanging around a loser like Kaito? Did he find people more important than him? Whatever happened, it hurt. Kaito had gotten so used to companionship, that once his one and only friend shut him out, he’d all but forgotten how painful loneliness could be. He was stupid for thinking he’d found somewhere to belong, vowing to never want to trust anyone again, then make the same mistake all over again with just a simple glimpse of vibrant purple hair.

The bell announcing the beginning of class jolted Kaito out of his line of thinking. He instantly buried himself in his textbook as the rest of the class filed in through the door, the chatter setting him on edge until he’d heard the soothing laugh of Gakupo cutting through all the white noise. As much as it should’ve sent him spiraling into despair, his chest just felt tight and a calm stole over his body. He overheard him chatting with a few friends about recent events when a bomb dropped that sent butterflies to his stomach again. Gakupo broke up with Luka a week ago. Although it shouldn’t have, a rush of hope and courage surged through Kaito’s body the longer he sat with that knowledge. He’d missed his chance to deliver the letter today, but tomorrow was a different story. Tomorrow he would give him the letter first thing in the morning.

He hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep that night. Kaito paced his room endlessly, mind catastrophizing every possible situation, and glancing towards the letter every other second in fear of it magically disappearing. He honestly didn’t know if he was hoping that it would or not. But it didn’t, and the sun was cracking through the sheer curtains before Kaito’s head really caught up with his body. His head was practically pounding from stressing through the night, but he’d be damned if he’d stay home today. This illness wasn’t going to disappear without him showing up at school and delivering that stupid letter. He was determined to get this done and over with as quickly as he possibly could. Gakupo always arrived at school at an extremely early hour, so Kaito just had to show up earlier. It was that simple of a plan.

After a small eternity of trying to convince himself to just go get this over with, Kaito begrudgingly began to get ready for the day ahead of him. In a sort of daze, Kaito wandered around his room, grabbing parts of his uniform here and there, and spacing out a lot more than he’d like to admit to. It was when he was idly brushing his teeth, and hoping nerves wouldn’t make him throw up, that he dared to glance at a clock for the first time that morning. When he did, his heart just about sank. It was nearly six; he’d have roughly twenty minutes to sprint all the way to school, up four floors, and drop off the letter at his desk before Gakupo showed up at school. That was the kick start he needed, at least. Kaito dashed about from room to room in a mild panic, grabbing his book bag and letter from his bedroom, leaving a note for his parents in the kitchen, and finally rushing out the door.

Kaito arrived in record time, winded, sweating, and completely exhausted. He rifled through his bag in a mild frenzy for the letter and shoved it onto the desk as quickly as he could will himself to. It was as if the letter suddenly became forged in hellfire and would burn his hands if he held it for too long. He didn’t feel all that better when the deed was done, and he was staring dreadfully down at the small, blue envelope starkly contrasting the light wood of the desk, Kaito had to admit. The longer he stared down at it, the more scenarios popped into his head. One by one, the next catastrophe after the other, taking turns at the forefront of his mind, then joining the background chatter in his mind until no one thought was more coherent than the next, growing louder and louder with every passing second. Then saliva began building up and bile began rising from the back of his throat. His mind went blank after registering this sensation and Kaito made a panicked sprint for the bathroom. He’d never live it down if he threw up in the open.  


It really was a mistake not to eat before dashing out the door. Minutes of retching and sobbing later, Kaito was wiping away any remnants of spit as he flushed the toilet. He couldn’t tell if this was from the physical stress, mental stress, or a mixture of both, but the outcome was the same regardless. He didn’t move from the stall immediately, though; he simply remained knelt there, staring absentmindedly at one of the corners with a few hard swallows now that his throat was thrashed. No matter how much his mind screamed at him to get up, his body wasn’t listening. Deep down, Kaito knew exactly why. He was scared. Stepping out from this stall was entering the real world. Stepping out from this stall meant watching Gakupo awkwardly avoid him even more heavily now that he had confessed his love to him. There was no way he could look at Gakupo ever again. Though, he’d never really contemplated that, that was what was going to hurt the most.

Click.

The sudden, albeit subtle, sound of a camera made Kaito practically jump out of his skin. In a matter of a couple seconds, he was up from the ground and staring fearfully at the locked stall door. Snickers and footsteps resounded throughout the tile bathroom and gradually faded as a seemingly fair sized group walked out into the hallway. He had to stop that group at all costs. He knew all too well what the photo they had would look like, and if it got out to the school, he’d be the brunt of near endless harassment.

Throwing the stall door open, Kaito dashed out of the bathroom. To his own surprise, this little incident had almost made him forget he had left that cursed letter on Gakupo’s desk. That is until he passed his classroom and caught a glimpse of purple hair. His shoes quietly squealed against the freshly polished floors as Kaito came skidding to a complete halt the very second everything properly registered in his mind. Despite trembling from his head to his toes, he tried to casually sneak back and peek into the classroom. Gakupo must have just gotten in since he was still looking inquisitively at the letter on his desk. Anxiety racked through Kaito’s body the longer he watched on, nearly fainting the second the letter was actually picked up. The very moment he’d begun opening the letter, a young girl from their class had marched into the classroom and straight up to him. That was when despair set in. Clearly surprised, Gakupo turned his attention completely towards her. Most devastatingly however was how he treated that letter; crumpling it in his fist and hiding it behind his back when he greeted her. That nearly killed Kaito. He couldn’t stand to watch on any longer, physically taking a few steps away from the doorway in a subconscious attempt to distance himself. Tears instantly sprung to his eyes and streamed down his face, his jaw going slack yet not letting any sound pass, and his hands flew up to tightly hold onto his chest. That letter was Kaito’s heart and soul on paper, and Gakupo could so easily crush it like that, like it was nothing more than trash. He really wished that would’ve actually killed him. Now, he had to go through the entire school day knowing he was truly isolated all over again. Nothing could’ve possibly gotten worse.  


Until life decided to prove him wrong.

Of course that photo of him kneeling in the bathroom stall was spread around the school like wildfire since he had failed in tracking down and bargaining with the group that had taken it. At first, it was just the photo circulating around and he’d gotten jeered at by his peers as they passed one another in the halls, but nothing overtly life-ruining. It was around lunch hour however, when a story started spreading around along with the photo. Apparently the boy who had taken the photo was on his way to class when strange noises from the men’s room caught his attention. Curious, he’d stepped in the bathroom only to find Kaito kneeling in front of one of their classmates. Stunned, he decided to snap a picture of the incident for proof. When this little story was attached to the picture, things got far more serious. Then adults got involved. It was during his fifth period class that he was called to the office out of nowhere. When he’d stepped inside, he was directed to one of the conference rooms in the back. There sat a small group of staff and his parents all staring at him as if he’d commited a murder. Despite how desperately Kaito had tried to defend himself and explain the situation for how it really was, it was fruitless. The staff seemed a tad more understanding than his parents, but they still told him they’d have to suspend him until they were able to look at the security footage directly outside of the bathroom to corroborate his claims. His parents looked so disappointed in him, it pained him to even have to look in their general direction. When the plan was set and everyone understood the actions that had to take place, they instructed Kaito to pack his things and head home today before leaving him there, one by one shuffling out the door until he was alone in that room.

He merely sat there for a few moments longer, surrounded by the broken fragments of his life, and letting the shards rip apart his flesh before defeatedly walking out of the room. Exhausted and an emotional wreck, Kaito had contemplated simply saying screw his stuff and leaving immediately, but ultimately decided against it. He was already in deep trouble with his parents, if they had to come pick his things up because he was throwing a tantrum, he’d may as well ask for the death sentence. So, composing himself as best he could, he begrudgingly headed up to his class.

The entire class openly stared at him the very second he was back in view, some knowing and smug, while others were confused. His head hung lower and lower with each passing second as he quickly strode down to his seat to grab his things. While he was uncomfortable having to sit next to Gakupo before, merely because he had actually delivered his letter, he was practically mortified to have to pack his stuff and leave after all the rumors. He could practically feel Gakupo’s gaze boring holes in the side of his head the entire time he stood there, throwing his books in his bag with shaking hands. Without so much as a word, as quickly as he was entering the room, he was leaving it. Kaito just needed to be far away from everyone today. It was a complete and utter mistake for him to have decided to go to school today. He should’ve just told his parents he had a migraine like he’d thought about. If he’d done that, he wouldn’t be in this utter mess. Thinking about all this now was worthless; he’d have plenty of time to ponder the what ifs while holed up in the comfort of his room. Kaito just had to focus on getting out of this damn school. He paid no mind to the small clusters of teens ditching class, speeding passed them and wiping the falling tears from his eyes as he rushed for the main entrance. Before he could get out the door, however, a firm hand clamped down on his wrist. Kaito staggered back a step, yet didn’t dare to show his red, tear stained face to whoever grabbed him. If they were going to harass him, they were going to harass him, no use in giving whoever was behind him material they could use to taunt him with.

“Kaito, wait, are you okay?” Gakupo asked in a soft, unsure tone of voice. Kaito could feel his uncertain stare burning holes into the back of his head again.

“Yeah.” Kaito replied after a long pause.

He finally turned some to meet his gaze with a small, unconvincing smile. It was a blatant lie, anyone would’ve been able to tell he wasn’t okay. His eyes were puffy and red, tears still streaming down his face, lips quivering the longer he tried to smile, and he was almost certain Gakupo could probably feel him shaking. He wanted to be called out for once. He wanted Gakupo to tell him straight to his face he was lying and force him to vent. He wanted to let the humility and shame wash over him as he broke out into sobbing fits. He wanted to know Gakupo still cared about him despite them drifting apart. Just one little shred of hope would do.

Yet, without another word, after a moment of hesitance, the pressure on his arm vanished. No prying, no comfort, nothing. Gakupo simply stared at him a moment longer with that uncertain gaze before turning his back on him and heading back to class. That was all Kaito needed to know. He truly was all alone again. It was for the best, anyways; if he remained isolated, he couldn’t disappoint anyone else. Some people were just meant to be alone.

Things at home didn’t get much better. His parents were fuming with him. They were so disappointed in him for even getting caught up in something like this, chastising him for not warning staff that there was a group of boys taking pictures of him. They had rattled on and on for hours on how Kaito could’ve avoided this situation, how this was ultimately his fault at the end of the day, and that he deserved whatever consequences were to come from this. After his lecture, he was sent to his room and ordered not to leave until they told him it was okay to. Kaito was fine with that. He didn’t plan on stepping foot outside his room until the school had let him know they’d cleared up those rumors. All he could presently think about doing was curling up in his bed and hoping death chose to claim his soul right then and there.

Usually, alone time in his room immensely helped to ease Kaito’s mind of it’s negative thoughts that usually swelled up in his head, but today it was having the complete opposite effect. The more time he spent there, sitting on his bed with his knees drawn to his chest, the more prominent these thoughts got. They continued to berate him no matter how hard he tried to ignore them. They went in circles, spewing the same exact arguments over and over like his brain was nothing more than a broken record. Eventually, after hours of blocking out and denying those overwhelming thoughts, Kaito began to give up on fighting back. He’d spent so long resisting and struggling against these dark thoughts, and that was getting him nowhere, so he had to change something. Simply giving into them seemed like the path of least resistance. If he couldn’t deny them, maybe accepting them and letting them consume him was the answer. It was. The moment the dark thoughts gave him a conclusion, they ceased. After hours of struggling, things were quiet at last. His ears rang as he aimlessly scanned his room. He thought of a way out of all this, it was only a matter of where now. Luckily, Kaito had an idea of where he should go. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he’d put his plan into action, but tonight, he was tired. Utterly exhausted, Kaito crawled under the covers of his bed and slowly fell asleep, letting the momentary quiet and numbness lull him into a dreamless slumber.

The breeze was gentle up there on the school roof. The air was crisp and a tad cool; nipping and pinching at Kaito's cheeks, staining them a brighter shade of red every last moment he remained in the open. The world around him was glistening with dew, shimmering like brilliant jewels around him in the early stages of sunrise. The sky was just starting to burst into light, ribbons of dusky pinks and oranges streaming across their large canvas. It was a truly beautiful sight to behold.  


Kaito dropped his book bag beside him and idly took a few strides forward to take in his surroundings. It had been much easier than he expected to get by staff when they questioned why he was at school. He’d expected to at least spend a half hour stringing lies to different teachers, but that wasn’t the case. Barely anyone was there yet, and those that were, seemed to be so out of it Kaito was able to pass right by them. That left him with a good bit of time to spare or waste if he so chose. With that knowledge in mind, Kaito was able to notice how everything was so serene. It was hard not to fall into that same peaceful mindset. He was surprised how easily his mind became eased. He thought he'd be completely distraught and a nervous wreck when the time came to actually go through with his plan, but he wasn't. He was more calm and at peace than he'd felt in awhile. Maybe he wasn't a coward after all; not when it counted anyways. 

Deciding there was no need to rush things, Kaito slowly settled down on the cool, concrete roof, shifting uncomfortably at the sudden chill biting at his legs, and soon his back, as he rested back to watch the sky. He may as well enjoy this contentment now that his mind was made up. For the first time in years, no thoughts were flooding through his head at the speed of a barreling freight train; in fact not a single thing crossed his mind. The long awaited clarity after surviving the storm. If only life gave him this break before now maybe things would be different. Kaito knew better than that. This wasn’t life giving him a break, this peace was man made. The freedom his decision gifted him gave him the strength to push the weight off his shoulders and breathe for the first time in what felt like forever. He felt light. Like he could float away with the breeze at any moment now that he wasn’t shackled down by the world around him. It was a good feeling. But at this point, Kaito was so emotionally drained, numbness felt good. He wasn’t happy. No one is when they decide this is the only form of escape, but there is no crushing feelings of regret, guilt, despair, and sadness eating away at you anymore. After years of that, numbness was akin to peace. Well, for Kaito at least, that was how he viewed it. 

Hints of blue began to seep in with the pinks and oranges when Kaito chose to follow through with his plan. This time it wasn’t a decision. Decisions meant there was a thought process, choices were more impulsive. Kaito wasn’t one for choices; until today he thought he was too cowardly for choices. He learned a lot about himself after he decided to cut all this pain short. Most the words he’d used to describe himself were correct after all. He was weak, spineless, inconsiderate, and selfish. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have come to the conclusion he had. But he wasn’t as big of a coward as he took himself as. It was only because he’d found this bravery hiding that he could choose when to put his plan into action. It was freeing in a way to feel like his life was in his own hands for once and he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. 

Kaito got back to his feet at his own pace. It wasn’t like he was running behind on some schedule. He could take all day to go through with this if he wanted to, but ultimately chose not to. He was nervous that he may grow too scared to actually follow through if he gave his mind time to think about the ramifications of his actions. It was better to do it now when he still felt brave. He timidly shuffled over to the ledge and placed an apprehensive hand against the railing, almost as if he feared it’d burn him when he touched it. Soft blue hues slid shut as he took in his surroundings one last time. The frigid air felt refreshing when it filled his lungs, and smelled somehow nostalgic. Like he hadn’t encountered the sweet scents of last night’s rainfall and fresh cut grass in years. The trees rustled in the wind, harmonizing with the soft sounds of cars faintly whizzing by behind him and the soft, melodic chirping of the birds flitting about, allowing a calm to wash over himself again. Ever since Kaito was a child, birds fascinated him. He both envied and sympathized with them. He envied those that could fly far away without looking back. He wanted to know where they went when they disappeared from sight, but he didn’t think he’d ever find out. He was just like a bird trapped in a cage, his wings clipped and only permitted exploration within the confines of his cage. But not today. The lock on the cage had finally rusted off. He was finally free, and he had to take this opportunity to escape before someone came by and replaced the lock.

With a sudden rush of confidence, Kaito climbed over the railing. His legs began trembling as he glanced down at the ground beneath him. That was quite a ways down. He better hope his wings have healed after being clipped for so long. With a final shaky breath, one foot stepped off the roof. He was finally going to find out where those birds disappeared to.

And he flew.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so much for taking the time to read through this. I have an extremely fluffly one-shot nearly completed to make up for this depressing piece of garbo, so look out for that in the near future!


End file.
